There have been times in my life were I have been lied to and I have been put down by people that I loved most. There have been times that I have done things that I know I shouldn't have done and things that I just am not proud of. I never asked God for forgiveness during any of those times. I never really talked to him honestly, until this year. The sad thing is, when I started talking to him, it was to help myself only. I was very selfish and naive about everything. I begged for forgiveness for what I had done, but I wasn't willing to forgive anyone else for their mistakes. I believe that that is one of the most selfish things a person can do, ask for forgiveness but not want to give any in return, I mean come on how is that supposed to work? That is kind of like asking someone to come over and help you with your problems, then when they need your help you say I'm too busy or just ignore them completely... The answer to that obviously is that it doesn't work!
The event in my life that I'm referring to is just before I moved into WKU. I was driving to my stepdads house at midnight to see my brother and sister that I had pretty much blown off for a while. The whole way there I was actually pretty upset because I know that I wasn't the best big brother or really the ideal big brother to them. I mean I had said that I was but I really know deep down I sucked. I didn't do everything possible to spend time with them, I made myself preoccupied with less important things rather than hanging with them. So naturally, I prayed to God, I wanted him to forgive me and I wanted them to forgive me. But as I was praying, I realized that what I was doing was good but for the wrong reasons I suppose. I wanted to be forgiven but I had no intention to forgive anyone else. So I did what any grown man would do when he realized that he was living an unjust life... I cried, a lot. I also called my mom... My whole family knows I have always had a grudge with my mom about things she has done in the past. I've always seemed to shun whatever she did and acted like I didn't care because I wasn't willing to forgive her. But that night I did. I told her that I was sorry for acting the way I did and I was ready to forgive her for everything because I knew she was trying her hardest to be different. I never cut her any slack or gave her any praise, heck I barely even saw her. But realizing that in order to seek forgiveness I must forgive others first, it helped me lift the grudge and say sorry for being such a douche for a son and I love you.
That night it was as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulder. I believe God was there helping me realize that I couldn't hold a grudge and I had to forgive. Once I did he helped me find the forgiveness that I longed for...
So, hopefully through all of this, everyone gets the message. I'm sure it sucked reading it, I probably rambled a lot but who cares... the whole point was the following:
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
- Matthew 6:14-15 (ESV)
You can seek forgiveness from God but if you aren't willing to forgive others he won't forgive you.
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